I want to understand how food became something more to me. I think a good place to start is how I feel when I’m eating. Lately I’ve been binge eating ice cream. Before I eat it there is this dread and shame that I’m going to eat 6 scoops of ice cream. Then I order the ice cream and there is this sense of resolve I’m going to eat 6 scoops of ice cream. Then I begin to eat the ice cream and my head is filled with flowers, fresh cut grass, and every happy image of renewal I can conjure. I feel special. I feel very precious and loved and cared about. I feel whole.
This is strange because growing up ice cream was no big deal. I always had money for the ice cream truck and was allowed to eat ice cream as much as I wanted. I was a normal to low eater as a child. I was a normal eater as teen. My two very best friends one was anorexic and the other was bulimic but I really don’t think this has anything to do with it as I was neither anorexic or bulimic as a teen. I also did not suffer from BED or COE as a teen. I actually only started to suffer from it as an adult.
This is what I find it so confusing. Why now? I just don’t get it.
I have a bit more work to do today. I have been watching netflix and working because I can’t concentrate AT all. I’m so anxious, nervous and depressed. I am a raging ball of insecurity. I want to email everyone i know and ask them where we stand. The compulsion is so strong. I now it’s a HUGE mistake to email people and ask them are we ok. I know that’s the fastest way to make good things go bad and bad things go worse. I have this idea that to destroy something is better than not knowing what it is exactly.
Life is lonely when lived behind a wall ~ AG Quotes
#mentalillness #Depression #Anxiety
You are more than a diagnosis ~ AG quotes
#mentalillness #Depression #Anxiety #Therapy #Mentallyill
So my therapist is a bit psycho at times and waaaaay too fucking committed to my well being. They came to my house and got me after a long IM negotiation. They actually book my 1 hour appointment as a 2 hour just so they can come get me. They rode their bike from their office to my house after sending me a google maps link for me to map out my exact route. Google maps has this earth view thing where you can real time it sort of.
Then we rode to the office and had an appointment as if the whole IM, google map come and get me thing never happened. Which was actually really cool because I have waaaaaaay bigger issues. So they are just all how are things going at work? I like a set “ice breaker”. I ramble on about work and some how end up talking about why I’m not leaving my house this round of my battle with agoraphobia. How that happened is the magic of my therapist.
So all in all I feel a bit better and plan to leave my house again in 3 days for next appointment.
Life is safe inside my four walls. No one jerks me around. No one says mean thoughtless shit. No one says much of anything. I have plenty of time to dive into important causes like getting my latest favorite T.V. show renewed. Everybody loves everybody on a bandwagon. There are so many to jump onto that I can almost trick myself into thinking these people care about me the person.
I’m not delusional. I now they’ll care as long as we are working towards a common goal. I know that the relationship is transactional and transient, There is a comfort in knowing what a person wants from me and being able to deliver that. It’s straight forward. No rejection. No mind games. No bullshit.
Me, my four walls, and the hashtag #renewcontinuum. For today this is bliss. This is all I need because today no one hurt me. I’m safe.
I’m shutting the door and shutting out the in person face to face world. People are so never who they seem to be in person. They lie, condescend, hurt, deny, and ignore. And for what?!? Why do this to another human being who is simply trying to connect? Why not welcome them in and take the time to get to now them in a caring manner. Why must people be so cruel?
I find life online to be much simpler. I find my plain white walls to much more honest. I find I am safe at home so at home I shall stay at home.
I’m beginning to think my biggest battle is with anxiety. Today I woke up feeling ok and then WHAM! It hit me. I’m anxious again, so I check my work email and found a reason to be. There was a turd of an email in my in box but I have taken the appropriate action. This gives me no release. My breathing is shallow and if I think about it I hold my breath. I have an unpleasant tingling sensation that makes me think I’m going to have a heart attack. My heart is racing and my vision is a bit blurred. Thoughts are of a dooms day variety.
My brain can’t seem to decide if the world is going to end in nuclear conflict or if I am going to die from and aneurism or heart attack. Somewhere in there I know to soldier on today because I’m probably wrong. One benefit of my complete mistrust of myself is that even the nasty of convictions has a doubt attached to it. I doubt everything.
This doubt is a friendship killer. I’ve learned over the years to not message friends and ask for confirmation of their friendship because ironically that is the best way to lose friends. My best friend I don’t need to ask because they have stuck by through numerous hospital stays back when I was actively suicidal. I’ve managed to die twice but modern medicine brought me back. I still have suicidal thoughts but when my best friend tried to kill themselves in front of me we made a pact no more suicide attempts.
A pact to live through the worst of feelings. With this pact comes the responsibility to always be there for each other. I’m very lucky to have them. I ave a forever and would be lost without them.
Anyone who has read a post from me knows I have severe and crippling depression. I also have a new therapist and new weapon in the war that I wage everyday. My weapon is inspiration. My new therapist advised me to look at drag artist for inspiration. I thought this was an odd bit of advice but out of desperation tried it. Rupual’s Drag race introduced me to Bianca Del Rio. I found her to be inspirational and enjoy her political voice. Sadly the rest of the girls seem to be less politically active and therefore are not as inspiring too me. I then came across the Familyyy Fierce Collective and found the right balance of art, politics, and sex. Because my new inspiration has been so helpful in keeping my depression at bay I want to take you with me on my journey of discovery and hopefully salvation. I am med resistant and this feels like my last and best hope for winning the battle with my depression.
I am receiving a lot of questions about my living space. Simple put - I don’t have any private dedidcated living space. The people I live and love with have zero respect for my seclusion desires and will simply move into whatever room I am secluding myself in. At times I feel a deep sense of loathing and others I am relieved. There has been as of late a tomb like feeling. I feel suffocated and imprisoned by relationships. On the other hand they keep me alive.
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