Life is lonely when lived behind a wall ~ AG Quotes
#mentalillness #Depression #Anxiety
You are more than a diagnosis ~ AG quotes
#mentalillness #Depression #Anxiety #Therapy #Mentallyill
How do I get through the day with howling demons raging in my head? How do I function through this much pain? Every fiber of my being screaming and howling in the most excruciating pain ever imaginable. It hurts to be.
The pain and torment of my existence is palpable around me in a heady fog of misery. I am not fit for this world today. How do I make it stop? When when will it ever stop? I would give anything for better. To be better. To not be mentally ill. To have a pill I could take and make all this go away. I want it to stop. I am very afraid this is the beginning of another bad run. Badlands sign posts everywhere beckoning me ever closer to the brink.
I don’t feel safe ~*~
So my therapist is a bit psycho at times and waaaaay too fucking committed to my well being. They came to my house and got me after a long IM negotiation. They actually book my 1 hour appointment as a 2 hour just so they can come get me. They rode their bike from their office to my house after sending me a google maps link for me to map out my exact route. Google maps has this earth view thing where you can real time it sort of.
Then we rode to the office and had an appointment as if the whole IM, google map come and get me thing never happened. Which was actually really cool because I have waaaaaaay bigger issues. So they are just all how are things going at work? I like a set “ice breaker”. I ramble on about work and some how end up talking about why I’m not leaving my house this round of my battle with agoraphobia. How that happened is the magic of my therapist.
So all in all I feel a bit better and plan to leave my house again in 3 days for next appointment.
I have a therapy appointment today and I am scared shitless. What the fuck was I thinking letting my therapist talk me into leaving my house for an in office appointment?!? Am I out of my fucking mind? Well obviously. Fuck Fuck Fuck. What to do? What to do? I have 30 minutes to get from clinging to my bed to up right and out the door. I don’t think I can. I’m calling that bitch and having them talk me through it. After all is was their bright fucking idea. Maybe I should just skype it? Why do I “need” to have this breakthrough today?
Sometimes getting out of bed is a victory
Then #Today I’ve won!
I’m shutting the door and shutting out the in person face to face world. People are so never who they seem to be in person. They lie, condescend, hurt, deny, and ignore. And for what?!? Why do this to another human being who is simply trying to connect? Why not welcome them in and take the time to get to now them in a caring manner. Why must people be so cruel?
I find life online to be much simpler. I find my plain white walls to much more honest. I find I am safe at home so at home I shall stay at home.
I am retreating to safety and not going out for awhile. I think my experiment into the world has failed me and left me battered in exactly the way I feared. I can’t trust the outside world it’s just not safe. I think I need to be alone to heal. I’m so broken. I’m so fragile. My house is so well built and sturdy, strong, and safe. I think I’ll stay here awhile and hide.
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