So tired of my life feeling like a game of Russian Roulette. When will I lose?
My Space
I am receiving a lot of questions about my living space. Simple put - I don’t have any private dedidcated living space. The people I live and love with have zero respect for my seclusion desires and will simply move into whatever room I am secluding myself in. At times I feel a deep sense of loathing and others I am relieved. There has been as of late a tomb like feeling. I feel suffocated and imprisoned by relationships. On the other hand they keep me alive.
A day out
I have had 2 hours of sleep because I must be out of my home for 5 hours today. I have a really great support system. I start the day with coffee, shower and then the long contemplation of how to dress. I want to be comfortable, appropriate, and nondescript. I don’t want to stand out. I have to take public transportation because that allows for the right amount of pressure to leave at a specific time. I cannot tolerate being late or anything that creates a need for additional communication. I try to practice and rehearse the day at least twice before going out. It’s exhausting. I try to set a goal for the day that can make it a success. Something simple. Usually involving catching a specific train. When I come home I feel this enormous relief that I survived and then start to count the hours until I must go out again. My own private revolving door at the gates of hell.
I feel sick
Today my walls are the only beauty I see. Why must I go out into such an ugly world?
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