If it were as easy as just deciding to let it go no one would carry a single burden
Just being me and hoping that’s enough
Recovery is not one sizes fits all
I want to understand how food became something more to me. I think a good place to start is how I feel when I’m eating. Lately I’ve been binge eating ice cream. Before I eat it there is this dread and shame that I’m going to eat 6 scoops of ice cream. Then I order the ice cream and there is this sense of resolve I’m going to eat 6 scoops of ice cream. Then I begin to eat the ice cream and my head is filled with flowers, fresh cut grass, and every happy image of renewal I can conjure. I feel special. I feel very precious and loved and cared about. I feel whole.
This is strange because growing up ice cream was no big deal. I always had money for the ice cream truck and was allowed to eat ice cream as much as I wanted. I was a normal to low eater as a child. I was a normal eater as teen. My two very best friends one was anorexic and the other was bulimic but I really don’t think this has anything to do with it as I was neither anorexic or bulimic as a teen. I also did not suffer from BED or COE as a teen. I actually only started to suffer from it as an adult.
This is what I find it so confusing. Why now? I just don’t get it.
Coming out as a compulsive over eater has been terrifying. I feel a sense of terror when it comes to figuring out the why.. Take today for example I know that when I am depressed I eat and while I am eating I don’t expect myself to do anything else. It sort of stops time and expectations. It feels humiliating to admit that. I eat as an excuse to not do other more meaningful things. This sucks.
Introduce your demons to someone who will help you slay them
mamapef said: I'm proud of you for publicly admitting your eating habits. I just recently admitted to the same things. You're not alone :)
Thank you so much for your support. It really is very scary.
I’m coming out as a compulsive over eater and binge eater. I’m doing this because I want to recover. I’m tired of the shame, guilt, pain, and anger this disorder has caused me. I eat when I feel an emotion I can’t handle and I eat when I feel emotionally empty. I can’t keep going on like this. I need help but do not want to talk to my therapist about it. It still feels really personal. It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted that I have compulsive over eating problem. I hope this is my first step in the recovery process.
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